FSI Consultants June 2018
Definition: (noun) Collecting your toxic drama with others as important evidence in a “Ziploc Baggy”
- Collecting, savoring, and sealing your hand-selected drama evidence of what went wrong or how someone has wronged you into a metaphorical “Ziploc Baggy”
- The self-preservation effort of capturing and securing negative, judgmental thoughts and images about your perceived offender to be used to keep you up at night
We have a love-hate relationship with the “injustices” we experience in our lives. We dwell on them, talk about them, and create a strong version of truth in regard to our innocence and the other person’s guilt. As a result, we cling to relationally destructive evidence which leads to grudges, resentment, bitterness, and the downfall of peace of mind. We preserve the evidence in our “Ziploc Baggies” to be savored upon desire.
Even though we may have a very strong desire to let go of the hurt, pain, and anger, often it seems impossible to accomplish. As distasteful as it might feel to us at times, there is a kind of righteousness and strength in the identity of being right, being the innocent, and being the “noble wonder” in our minds.
So, why do we collect this destructive evidence and hold onto the pain? Why do we do this when it seems to work against what we really want? Why do we keep negative thoughts so activated? Why are we so prone to become trapped in toxic nostalgia? Most importantly, how can we release them and move on with life?
The problem with our “Ziploc Baggie” addiction is that it really does not make things better for ourselves or for the world around us. In fact, we simply re-traumatize ourselves each time we revisit the evidence bag and painful emotions associated with it.
Tactics to navigate our “Ziploc Baggie” addiction:
- Stop negative thoughts in real-time
- Be careful what gets your attention—it will get your focus and energy
- Control your self-talk and the negative inner narrative
- Move the focus off the story and away from your offender
- Be careful what you are looking for because you tend to find it. To change who you are getting, begin by changing what you are looking for
- Let your chosen character standards talk to you
- Visualize and repeat your standards
- Make a conscious decision to accept the situation
- This does not mean that you dismiss the offense or pain
- Acceptance does not mean agreement—it means you accept that it happened, that it will not control you, and that you are moving on
- Say no thank you to the “victim” mindset
- Embrace personal accountability for your own thoughts, actions, and impact
- Construct GRACE
- Think of GRACE as “pre-packed” forgiveness—make GRACE a key aspect of your intent in advance of any difficult interaction
- It doesn’t matter if they deserve it or not—forgive them anyway